It’s not her clothing; it’s your mind
By: Riley Duignan
Opinion
(In the United States) 81% of women have been sexually harassed, 44% have been sexually assaulted, and 21.3% of women have experienced rape. 42% of men have been sexually harassed, 24.8% have been sexually assaulted, and around 3.8% of men have experienced rape. But you can’t blame the clothing; blame the offender.
Many survivors of sexual misconduct experience dehumanizing, interrogating questions. “What were you wearing?” is likely the most asked question. It’s the idea that a woman’s cleavage or skin showing is too tempting to the offender and is a green light for sexual objectification. But is it? A woman’s breasts being perked up or her wearing shorts instead of pants is not an invitation. For sexual activity to be consensual, both parties have to verbally (and physically) consent. A revealing outfit, or even clothes in general, is not consent to the offender. Questions like “What were you wearing?” “Did you drink?” “Why didn’t you say no?” “Why didn’t you fight?” “Why didn’t you report it/report it sooner?” are just some of the worst things to say to any survivor. But there are answers for every one of them.
“What were you wearing?”
Whether the victim wore a bikini or baggy pajamas, it wouldn’t have been an invitation and is never a temptation or invisible consent.
“Did you drink?”
Whether they drank or not, it still happened and isn’t their fault. If the offender can drink and isn’t asked if they drank, why should the victim be held to different standards? Alcohol makes you more vulnerable, but it is not an invisible invitation or consent.
“Why didn’t you say no?”
Whether they said “No” straight up, shook their head, or pushed the offender away, it wasn’t and wouldn’t be a yes. “No” isn’t always verbal; “no” is also physical. The fact the offender likely ignored body language and verbal signals is not on the victim.
“Why didn’t you fight?”
If the victim felt intimidated or threatened by the offender, why would they try to fight? Many times, the offender is usually bigger than the victim, creating immediate intimidation and threat.
“Why didn’t you report/report it sooner?”
Less than 5% of sexual assault cases are reported to law enforcement due to aspects like backlash, slut shaming, or lack of justice. For every 100 rapes reported to law enforcement, only 18 lead to an arrest on average. Out of 1000 reported rape and sexual assault cases, only 50 end in arrests, meaning 98% of offenders/rapists walk free. If somebody thinks they won’t get justice, will be shamed, or will have their story denied, why would they tell somebody their story might just be invalidated by the people around them and the law itself?
If somebody tells you their story, in no way should you even ask any questions that blame their vulnerability or themselves; it’s invalidating and dehumanizing. Instead, let the victim know that you believe them, you hear them, and comfort them. Words like “I believe you,” “I’m so sorry this happened,” or “It’s not your fault” could be the few words that come so easily out of your mouth, but make it so much easier for a victim to feel comfortable enough to share and report their story.
It wasn’t the victim’s clothing. Their legs weren’t consent, their cleavage wasn’t consent, their shoulders weren’t consent, their tight clothing wasn’t consent, their baggy clothing wasn’t consent, and their clothing was not consent. If you cannot control yourself or control a sexual desire just because somebody is wearing clothing that expresses themselves, that is a personal problem. Your mind is the problem, not the clothing.
Resources:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 – https://rainn.org/
Crime Victim Services Directory – https://cova.civicore.com/directory
Domestic Violence Support – https://www.thehotline.org/
Victim Connect Resource Center – https://victimconnect.org/
Sexual assault prevention – https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/1is2many/notalone
Sources:
https://rainn.org/get-the-facts-about-sexual-harassment/
https://ovc.ojp.gov/sites/g/files/xyckuh226/files/pubs/OVC_Archives/reports/help_series/pdftxt/sexualassaultvictimization.pdf
https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/familyservices/domestic-sexual-violence/sexual-violence/statistics#:~:text=On%20average%2C%20there%20are%20approximately,sexual%20contact%20in%20their%20lifetime.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9136376/
https://www.uml.edu/news/stories/2019/sexual_assault_research.aspx#:~:text=According%20to%20a%20study%20by%20three%20professors,victim’s%20credibility%2C%20mental%20health%2C%20and%20other%20behaviors**
https://rainn.org/facts-statistics-the-scope-of-the-problem/statistics-the-criminal-justice-system/